Burning Heart Read online

wasn’t slowing down and the chemotherapies were destroying Lina. There was nothing else to do. We had to amputate Lina’s foot in order to stop the cancer and save her life.

  Mom

  As a mother there is a part of you that wants to watch your children grow up and make a way for themselves in the world. There is also a part of you that wishes to keep them by your side forever, and take care of them. But not like this, definitely not like this.

  I don’t know where, but Lina read something about a firefighter in Massachusetts who uses prosthesis and is in active duty. Dr. Ari told us that the prosthesis that Lina was talking about was one especially designed for firefighters and soldiers. Lina was talking about a very resistant prosthesis that allows the users to walk, run, jump and even lift things. The problem was that in order to use that prosthesis they would have to cut near the knee and Lina was about to lose her foot only. There was no reason to lose half of the leg.

  We had discussion about that in the doctor’s office one day, “Look, I could do it…” he said.

  “Then do it! What’s the problem?” said Lina, she was very excited about it.

  “Lina, are you one hundred percent sure? It requires a lot of physical therapy…”

  “I can take it doctor!”

  “It’s very painful Lina, and what about the money? I mean, the prosthesis alone costs around ten thousand dollars.” The doctor said, and those weren’t good news at all. We had enough bills on our backs already.

  But it seemed like Lina had everything figured out, “Bethany and I are raising funds doing a lot stuff, my mom and dad are doing what they can and the insurance company told…”

  The doctor interrupted her, “Lina, is just that, I don’t want to cut half of your right leg just to know that the fire department won’t take you in. If you lose just your foot the therapy would be easier and less painful…”

  “What do you mean? Why wouldn’t they take me in?” Lina grabbed her phone and called the fire chief in charge of the enrollment process. She left the room talking on the phone.

  I didn’t go after her because I was curious about what the doctor said, “Why wouldn’t they take her in doctor?” I asked.

  “Martha, that prosthesis is for war veterans and for firefighters who have lost their limbs on the field. I’ve never heard about a fire department taking a new recruit with a prosthesis.” It was sad to hear that, and I was sure that Lina was listening to the same thing through the phone in that moment.

  I went to the hallway to check on her. As my mother always said, “Mothers have a sixth sense, they always know when something is wrong.”

  I was leaving my seat when I heard her yelling at the phone. “That’s just unfair! That’s discrimination! I already passed the damn test! My dad is a lawyer, you know!” She was very upset.

  I approached her trying to calm her, but she walked away from me and went to the parking lot. I stayed where I was, but I could still listen to her yelling at the phone.

  “You know what? I will do it! Set the date and I will do it, I know what you are doing and I will show you that I’m capable! How can you say that is not personal? You’ll see, everybody in that stupid department will see that I have what it takes!” Then she threw the phone away.

  Lina and the fire chief set Lina’s second date for the PAT one-month after that day, but that was just insane, that would be a week after the operation. A couple of days later, we went to the fire department to talk with the fire chief and get a different date for the PAT. The three of us talked, the chief was very kind and Lina had the chance to apologize for yelling at him. Lina got a new date for her PAT six months after the operation. I wasn’t one hundred percent happy with that but at least Lina would have more time to recover.

  Those were six painful and tired months, Lina had her ups and downs but I remember a day in particular. I entered the house, hung my coat, and took off my shoes. The carpet felt so good after being walking trough a library the whole day.

  “Lina, darling? Are you at home?” I yelled from the door.

  I went to the kitchen, put the mail on the table, poured some wine and went to the living room. Since I got no answer I thought that I was alone, but I heard some noises on the second floor. I walked to the stairs and I heard Lina sobbing.

  “Baby is that you? What happened?” I said walking upstairs.

  I got to her bedroom, and I found Linas’ clothes on the bed and the prosthesis on the floor. The bathroom door was open, and I could hear Linas’ sobbing coming from there.

  Lina was in the bathtub holding her knee and crying. I literally jumped from the door to the tub to hold my daughter. If you are a mother you will understand the feeling of seeing one of your children suffering. The heart turns very heavy and everything starts to happen in slow motion. You just wish that moment to end or at least to exchange places with your child.

  “Baby, what is going on? What’s wrong?” I asked. Lina just shook her head. I got some paper and cleaned Linas’ face wishing that I could wipe her pain in the same way.

  “It’s ok now baby, is ok. Did you fall at the gym?” I asked. Lina shook her head again.

  “Did someone say something mean to you dear? Because if someone did, I swear…”

  “No mom,” she was fixing her hair and trying to hold back the tears. “Is just that… is just that, it hurts a lot mom, it hurts like hell and I’m so tired… It’s so frustrating…” The tears didn’t let her finish.

  “Where baby?” I asked.

  “My knee is burning, and the pain goes over all the rest of my leg… well, what I got left of my leg.”

  Even for a mother, sometimes there is no “right” thing to say, and there is nothing else to do but offer a warm hug as a sign of support. I just hugged her and helped her to get out of the bathroom. We went to her bed then.

  “Sometimes,” I said, I was trying to break the silence, “I feel that you are carrying too much pressure honey.”

  Lina put on a blouse and shorts checking the clock. I can tell when she is trying not to listen what I’m saying, and that’s what she was doing in that moment.

  “The chief the other day was offering a great opportunity, I mean, the phone dispatcher plays a very important role during an emergency. He mentioned that with his connections…”

  “Mom! That means nothing for me, period. I want to become a firefighter and I will become a firefighter!”

  “Lina listen to yourself, you sound so stubborn about it. Darling you don’t understand, it breaks my heart to see you…” I was just trying to be honest.

  “You are the one who don’t understand mom!” She couldn’t contain herself anymore, “I don’t even feel sad anymore. I’m not even sure about how I feel, all I know is that I hate this, I hate it, I hate it with all my heart and all my guts. It has been like a monster in front of me since the day I was diagnosed. He is standing in front of me, laughing at me, pushing me…”

  “Lina, darling, calm down, please…”

  “No mom. It’s enough. I will stand for what I want, and when I get there, every time I save a life, every time I wear my uniform, and every time I run into the fire I will remember this thing as a defeated monster, and I will be the one laughing.”

  “Lina, baby, listen…”

  She grabbed her leg, “This is just a scar for me mom. This won’t stop me!”

  I hugged her cleaning the tears from her face, “I just don’t want you to get hurt darling. I’m so worried.”

  “I will be fine mom,” said Lina putting on the prosthesis and a shoe on the left foot.

  “Are you going out?”

  “My knee hurts as hell so I will resume my workouts until Monday. Meanwhile, I will practice my driving.”

  As I was going back to the living room, I was thinking, God made Lina using the best from Bob and the best from me. In that moment I understood that it was Lina’s battle and everyone was trying to tell her how to fight it when we should be guiding her. This was her fight
and she would win it her way.

  Lina

  It had been almost nine months since the day when Dr. Ari gave me the goddamn diagnose. Nine months of pain, nine months of tears, but also nine months getting stronger. This thing wouldn’t stop me. I had to learn how to walk again, how to balance my body, how to run and how to jump without hurting my back.

  So I was there again, the chief told me, “Lina I want you to understand something. All we want is to be sure that you are still capable to do everything a firefighter does. This is not personal. Good luck.”

  It didn’t matter, I wasn’t there trying to show anything to anybody. I was there because that was my final stand against that damn thing that was keeping me away from my dream.

  I had to complete everything in less than seven minutes. I had to carry a ten feet ladder without touching the ground with it, crawl carrying a hose in my shoulder, ran, then the Keiser Force Machine (use a big hammer to move a heavy piece of metal on the ground), reach a third floor using the stairs while carrying a hose, and finally drag a one hundred eighty pounds doll trough fifteen feet. 

  I was confident but nervous, I put the jacket and immediately felt the pressure of my knee against the prosthesis, I put the oxygen tank and everything got worst, and finally the helmet that wasn’t helping my breathing at all.

  The evaluator was giving me the final recommendations, but I wasn’t paying attention, my mind was focusing on something else, come on, you can do it girl, I was born for this, I can, I